How many times a day do you find yourself
offended? Or triggered in response to
what someone else has said or done?
If you are anything like me, it happens to
you more than you would hope for. I have started to track and reflect on how
often major issues have bubbled over from what was simply an emotional response
to what could easily be determined as a misunderstanding—not a malicious intent
to harm.
So the question then becomes, how do we
spare ourselves this all-or-nothing reaction and how do we become so skilled to
instead orient ourselves to stop, consider and then respond?
Imagine, how could our places of work be
better served by us stopping, withholding conclusion, considering alternatives
for why someone might have done something / said something, and to proceed with
clarification and response in a measured way?
I know, easier said than done is what you’re
thinking, right? Think about it though,
everything in life worth doing takes effort. It isn’t easy. It takes intention and practice before it
gives way to becoming habit.
David Rock has done some amazing work in
the area of neuroscience and understanding the “fight or flight” response that
we experience when our nervous system is triggered into response.
He asserts that we need to consider the
threat response that triggers “fight or flight” carefully and monitor if Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness
or Fairness are being threatened in
some way.
What might be very helpful from a work
environment perspective is to think about monitoring your “messages” to others
around these items. For instance, ask
yourself, is anything I am saying going to trigger a threat response in my
colleague – will it cause them to feel they don’t belong, that they don’t have
a place here, that their autonomy will be taken away? Is anything I am saying threatening their
status on this team or on this project? What
am I saying or suggesting that may be perceived as unfair? How could I minimize
the chances of that occurring?
In monitoring my own responses, I may have
to remind myself to stay curious longer, to catch myself and ensure that I am
not merely reacting. To help with this,
I use structure. My structure includes a
practice of asking at least two questions before I respond. These two questions
can be reflective (for me to consider) or directed to the other party.
Some great questions to demonstrate
curiosity are: Um, that’s a curious thing to say, what exactly to do you mean?…..what
might be leading you to say that? What
assumptions are behind that thinking?
Or, if more appropriate, I use reflective
questions like: What are some other
possible explanations for why they said/did that? What could be going on for that person? How about a clarify-what-they-meant by-that? How healthy is my relationship with this
individual?
I am going to take that intention and
practice to both my work and personal life and see how well I do. Why not join
me? The gains for each of one of us are
significant – improved relationships, fewer misunderstandings, and more opportunities
to truly collaborate with colleagues.
Joanne
